1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
開始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車。 後來我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個路數。 於是老子偷了一輛然後求上帝寬恕。
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢中死去…… 而不是要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊！
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永遠不能戰勝一個純傻逼,因為他會把你的智商拉到跟他個水平,然後用豐富的經驗打敗你
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
直譯：在這個世界上,我最不願意做的事就是傷害你,但是這件事仍在我的考慮之列。
意譯a：我真不想傷害你，但你也別逼我。
意譯b：吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
a. 如覺嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操錯洞…
b. 若XXOO是下體的痛，那麼，是你操錯。
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a. 早起滴小鳥有蟲蟲！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
b. 早起的鳥兒有蟲吃，早起的蟲兒被鳥吃。
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
在咱們這噶噠送外賣的都比警察來的快.
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
XXOO就像打橋牌。 如果對手不好使，自己的手必須好使。
9、Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （彈簧玩具），沒什麼實在用處，但看他們在樓梯上倒騰來搗騰去還是很有喜感。
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和紙尿布有一個共同點就是：他們都很有規律地被替換，而且因為同一個理由——髒了！！
11、War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
戰爭不能決出正義，但能判出哪方出局。
12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
a. 女人的高潮可能是裝出來的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是裝出來的！
b. 女人假裝高潮以獲取真實的感情；男人假裝感情以獲取真實的高潮。
13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我們永遠不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學會在眾人面前裝逼。
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
男人就兩種狀態：餓 和 性飢渴。 要是他不硬，就給他個三明治！
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
光總是比聲音跑的快點….這就是為嘛有些SB只有在開口說話之後你才發現他是在裝B…
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我媽每次對著我罵草泥馬的時候都沒看出其中笑點。
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以為我想要的是職業，結果發現我只是想要工資。
18、If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
你要是覺得沒人在乎你的死活,那你不妨嘗試一下跟你的債主玩躲貓貓~~
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
XXOO並不是結論而是個問題…爽不爽才是答案…
20、Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭，再告訴你你為什麼好不了。
21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
直譯：一根火柴能點著整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起個營火，這咋回事！
意譯：想當年哥戴套都能讓人懷孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科